if someone wants to be in your life, they will make an effort to be in it

so I lied earlier, I didn’t go netflix and chill alone. Instead I did something semi proactive in an effort to lift my spirits. I took my dog on a walk/run… aka, I took his leash and drug him home from the  neighbor’s house, who let him inside and now he won’t stop going over there. I love productivity!

But… I did stay true to one word. I worried about why my not boyfriend wasn’t texting me back. While I wasn’t texting my boyfriend back. Then I felt bad about myself and my life and I made plans to hangout with my boyfriend that lives 2 hours away this weekend then I went back to not replying. Because I am a fucking awful human being. As I was logging on here, my phone buzzed and my heart got excited and thought it was possibly my Not Boyfriend. No!! It wasn’t!! Karma’s a bitch!! Instead, it was a noto (noto? did i just pull that from my ass? in my language that is short for notification???) that a bunch of people liked a tweet. So I checked it out and woah, it was relevant to my life. So I titled this post that, because it was so damn fitting.

“If someone wants to be in your life, they will make an effort to be in it.” Boyfriend is making an effort to be in my life. Not Boyfriend is not making much of an effort at this time. But, how do I stop thinking about our crazy awesome sex? The way he pulls my hair? How he keeps his eyes open sometimes and stares into mine? The fact that he has a couple inches on Boyfriend??? Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, that’s true. But gosh dang, it’s important. Ugh. My heart hurts. I probably deserve this. No one even needs to tell me. I need a shower. In holy water

I fucked my ex

 

…while I was in a committed relationship. Does that make me a hoe? This is about the feelings that come along with cheating. I’m not doing this to get hated on for cheating or for someone to tell it’s okay that I feel BAD. I’m just putting my feelings out there

No one ever looks at things from the cheater’s side. But I mean, why would they? They’re the ones choosing to make this decision and ruin the relationship and hurt the other person. But, at least in my case, I didn’t have sex with someone else because I wanted to hurt D. I did because… you know, that’s a hard question to answer. I fucking wanted to. I didn’t wanna lose my boyfriend either. So I started living what felt like 2 separate lives.

My feelings nearly ate me alive. The first morning after I slept with G, I woke up to a “Good morning *kissing emoji*” text from D… that fucking burned. It made my heart ache that I stayed up partying with another guy while my boyfriend was working long hours. It tore me apart when I complained about being afraid of not having rent money and my boyfriend said, “That’s what I’m here for.” I felt like I didn’t deserve this wonderful person, because I didn’t. And I still don’t. Typing it out makes me realize I am a fucked up person. But, I didn’t love D any less just because I was also talking to someone else. At first. Until I would get a text from him, and be upset it wasn’t G.

Can you love 2 people at the same time? Idk. I don’t think so. It takes so much energy to really love someone, I think our hearts can only take that on with one person at a time. Maybe with everyone it’s different. Now I’m gonna go Netflix and chill alone and overthink about why I’m a bad person and why G isn’t texting me

there was a time… back story

There was probably a time I was a good person, a good friend, a good girlfriend. But times have passed and changed and I don’t know where that person is, she’s long gone. Gone with the wind. But I’m not a bad person.

Sometimes shit just happens and your sort of ex texts your while you’re asleep in your current’s bed while current is at work and you just happen to text back because sort of ex had a break up and you’re the first person he thought of. Probably not a good way to start out. But… shit happens. So a little back story… Let’s call current D. D lives 2 hours away and works a crazy schedule. Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? No?? DON’T DO IT. I’m not justifying cheating I’m just saying unless you’re really, truly in love it’s a hassle and a pain in the ass. I mean, it’s doable. But annoying. Ex, let’s call him G, lives in hometown. Same group of friends. D knows one friend from back home. Soooo… SHIT HAPPENS OKAY! But I fucked up and replied to the text and then boom we were texting and snapchatting all week and hanging out and then all of a sudden I became a cheater. Things like this just kind of happen before you notice they’re happening and then it’s like oh fuck me what did I just do????

Haha no actually that’s not how it happens.